I chime in. with, "Haven't you people ever heard of, closing th goddamn door,no?"

It sucks so much to want someone, that you know you shouldn't want.  It just seems so right though in the back of your mind there's a little voice saying, "katie, no." Feelings are so confusing. I mean one minute you feel one thing, and next... who knows.?...   It might be indecisiveness, confusion, of just plain stupidity.  It just feels so good to act on feelings.  I don't know if i'm the only one who feels like this ever.. That's probably why i'm writing this journal right now. . . cause i can't say any of these thoughts to anyone else!

The other thing is how much  people can surprise you. . and i don't necessarily mean that is a good way.  I have finally decided on a way to describe my father. . . "a brilliant piece of art work."  I have never seen a man that is more of a liar nor a piece of shit than my father.  Cuss words can't even describe what kind of person he is.  I've given up on tring to decide what words to use to try and describe him.  I now, just let the words flow out.  How fake people can be and how they can straight up lie to your face makes me sick to my stomach.  . . Recently it has almost made me immobile. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything besides what my dad is doing to me, my love(aka my mommy), and my sisters.  How someone can be so careless with others lives and emotions/feelings never ceases to amaze me.  How my father can choose a skanky, nasty ass stripper over his family, (that respected and loved him till the end), over and over again almost makes me go into a coma, just so i can block out the reality of the situation i have been forced into by the horrible decisions i am required to be around 24/7.  To be forced to watch the negative affects thise situation has on my mother, due to the fact this is the only man she has ever been with, sickens me to no end.  People are so insensitive, and can be so oblivious to others feelings, it constantly makes me ask the questions, "why even stay here and watch the self-destructiveness of the others around me"  But i can't watch my mother fall to pieces as my dad gets and pays for his kicks as my mother destroys herself.  i will not sit back on watch this happen.  I will not let the only person i know and love ruin herself over someone else's faults and bad decisions.  I will make him pay for every lie and sin he has ever commited. and this woman will pay ten fold.  she told my dad she thought i was cr azy .. wait until she finds out what i have in store for her now!